This is an excerpt from an email I recently sent to a hurting wife, who contacted us after she discovered her husband’s addiction to pornography.  This represents the hope I’ve found in my own life and marriage.  I hope it will bring you hope, too.

There are several things I would encourage you to do. First I would try to find a counselor who specializes in sex addiction or is at least very familiar with it. (this would be for both of you but even if your husband won’t go, it is worth you going. It can help you understand what your husband is dealing with as well as find out where you need to change and grow) Greg and I started counseling a few days after his sin was exposed and it was SO helpful and has been extremely instrumental in healing our marriage. Another thing is that it is so important to listen to what your husband has to share. It will be so hard at times and you will get very angry. That’s ok. You can even express your anger. Try not to “freak out” or say things that will lead to more shame. Shame and secrecy run the addictive cycle so if you can be a safe place for him, it helps so much. Ask God to love and forgive through you. It’s too big to do on your own! He is able to do above and beyond all we can imagine!

I would also encourage you to find a support system if you don’t already have one. It’s especially helpful if you can find others who have walked this same path. It’s very hard to be around friends who are very angry with your husband and “freak out” at the whole sex addiction topic. They can really hinder your ability to heal. I am in a wonderful support group that deals with codependency and it has been so helpful for me to deal with areas in my own life that are unhealthy. I have realized ways that I contributed to the unhealthy state that our marriage was in. It’s not my fault (and it’s not yours for your husband!) that Greg turned to porn and eventually committed adultery; but I had contributed to where we found ourselves in January 2009, through my own habits, words, and attempts to control. Even if your husband “drags his feet” into recovery and doesn’t seem ready to dig in, you can begin to get healthy and learn how to set boundaries.

There are several books I would recommend to you:

Every Heart Restored by Fred & Brenda Stoker
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
The Codependent’s Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie
Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud

I know this barely scratches the surface but I pray it encourages you that there is hope! It is a long road and hard but SO worth the work. Your marriage is worth fighting for! A good friend and pastor told us that recovery and sanctification are the same thing! Both are, at their heart, the process of making us more like Christ.  God loves you so much and although He constantly gives us more than we can handle, He’ll never give us more than HE can handle. Fall on Him and let Him know how much You need Him. He’ll carry you and grow you so much through this!

Advertisement